I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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