fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
