well I can't set my house on fire every night
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
This is classic penis vs brain.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize