I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
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