she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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