dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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