ya dads aren't the best wingmen
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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