Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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