No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
