i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
