I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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