Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
