He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
