The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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