dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
