How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
