my mouth tastes like poor choices
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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