Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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