I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
