we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
