i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
