as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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