Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
