What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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