we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
