You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
