she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
