Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
