i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
