video games are the ultimate cock blocker
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
