i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
