he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
