Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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