Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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