I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
