i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
