I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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