i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
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