Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
