I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
She told me I should be a condom model.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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