I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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