I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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