so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
