hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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