I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
And then he peed in my hair
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