Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
