he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
