Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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