i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
