I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
