I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
a search helicopter?!
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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