Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
