Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
