Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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