Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
