She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
