I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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