I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
