dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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