hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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