Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
two words...techno handjob
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
