i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize