my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
