Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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