i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize