this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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