Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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