Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Randomize
