can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
