Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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