She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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