Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
