when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
When did angry sex become our thing?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
