So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
