If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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