I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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