I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
