No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
