He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize