The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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