Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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