Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
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