when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
